Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Time Flies....

I can't believe it's already about to be October! That's crazy! I need to get Gavin a halloween costume before all the cute ones are taken.



Chris moved back in this weekend. We both wrote out lists of what we wanted from the other and had lots of talks about it and decided we both want to make this work. We both love each other and when we are good we are REAL good.



This weekend was super busy. First friday me and my boss drove down to Houston in the morning and came home late that night. So my mom kept Gavin thursday and friday night. I thought I'd sleep in saturday but NO I was too used to getting up with Gav so I woke up early anyway. Saturday morning went to Stampin' Up Saturday Morning Club with Michelle at the Stamp Shack. It was fun. I always love going up there!! Then it was off to lunch with my dad and my sister at Olive Garden. YUM! Then home for a few hours and Michelle came over to scrapbook/hangout/talk. Love when we both have time to hang out together! I wish we had tons more!! Then after Michelle left, me and Gavin loaded up and went to the farm for the rest of the weekend. It was great! Chris got us a hammock to relax on. LOVE IT! And we rode the four wheeler several times. Gavin loves it! And Chris had built a tree house. And it is HIGH up there. And I was scared to death but we all climbed up in it. :) He did a great job on it. Feels very sturdy! Then Sunday we loaded up Chris' stuff and went back home. Whew. I'm tired just writing it all out! lol



Now I'm into day 2 of another week. Work is great these days. Just super busy! I wish I had more time in the day thats for sure!! I would write more, I'd scrapbook more, I'd stamp more, I'd have my christmas cards nearly done and my swap cards done, and make good dinners and sleep more!! LOL

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Fun Times

On Thursday me, Michelle and Gavin went to dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings so she could give Gav his birthday present. I miss hanging out with her as much as we did but I think we are doing pretty good with me working so far away. I'm showing her that it IS possible to see each other just as much when I sell my house and move mid way to Henderson. :). It's do-able. Here are some pics from that dinner! :) Gav is so adorable! Getting big fast!



Today we went to the fair with Michelle, Kris, and Garrett. It was really hot but fun anyway. We ate ribbon fries and corn dogs and got caramel apples and dr. pepper!! BAD DAY! LOL I don't ever drink Dr. Peppers! I'm a water or tea only girl!! But I said I was going to give myself ONE weekend to pout and eat whatever I wanted and then after this is our new life. Full of lots of change coming. Me and Gavin rode the ferris wheel with the Kincaides and it was cool. Gav loved it! :). Then for dinner tonight I took Gordon and my Mom out for Gordon's birthday dinner. Here are some fair pics!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Gavin's First Birthday.....

" Hey Baby...." gavin said to his party guest, Brooklyn.















"Come here and snuggle with me..." (Gav looks HUGE compared to his lil' 6 month old friend.















Whispering some kinda secret to her....















"Shhhhhh Don't tell!"














Chris insisted on taking one of me.















My 1 yr old is so adorable!















Cruising along with his new walker thingy from Grandpa.



















"Dad your giving Maggie too much attentioN!"














"ooooh look....a lil' kitty!"














Oooooh and my lil' puppy!!
















Gavin Loved his birthday Cupcake experience!!






And the guests eating.....















Such a handsome birthday boy....














Gavin and Aunt Melissa....
Lookin' thru all the photos on the camera!






Gavin and Grandpa














Daddy whispering a secret to Gav


Mommy & Gav

Lots of present Opening





Birthday Hat.....










Gav and Nana
CUPCAKES!!







Friday, September 12, 2008

Scary Weather....

They say it's going to get really bad here. From Hurricane Ike. They say it should either be a Category 1 or tropical storm even when it hits my area. I'm not so sure about that, but ok. Now I'm scared because the tornado watches are up. And I'm terrified of them!!! How the hell am I going to get me, my 1 yr old son, my two cats, my dog, my scrapbooks, my laptop, everything into the pantry!?! MY ass will barely fit in there! And to make matters worse I'd have to get me and my son downstairs and into the pantry REAL fast and the pets will be going crazy and I'll have to catch them! I think I'm going to get ZERO sleep tonight!! And to think this is going to last for at least like 24 hours....my heart is going to be in my throat the whole time. I wish Chris was here even more now. And it hurts alot that he doesn't care enough to be here even if it's just for this. I put my purse, flashlight, diaper bag, baby food and bottle and pillow and blanket in the pantry already! LOL So when nothing happens and I can't remember where my purse is....please remind me!!

Yeah......

Frustration is getting worse. HE wants me to find these deep repressed feelings I have and fix them. And he wants to fix things. BUT he won't come home, won't even PLAN a time to come home, won't wear his ring, won't have talks with me, won't see me much, won't go to counselling. Yet he swears he wants to fix things. He wants me to fix me (which apparently he thinks is WAY fucked up) and then we can be together again.

I don't think I have repressed feelings. I think I have things from my past that have completely affected my life that I can't seem to get past. They are not repressed, but they are there and I don't know how to make them go away. It's not like I'm supposed to just forget my life before now. So what in the world does he want me to do? And HE is just as messed up as I am, if not more so. He knows this. If we are not together, how do we know each of us is changing? I know all my issues revolve around trust and not being able to rely on people. So isn't him being gone totally the opposite of helping? I apparently can't rely on him to be here or trust that he has my back. Because he's not even here. I want to fix things. I want to just be together, not necessarily living together next week or anything, but I know we needed this time apart. It helped tremendously. But now it's time to either step up or go on. HE says he wants to work it out, so DO IT. You do NOT get breaks from marriage!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Thursday 13 - 11th Edition

Thirteen BLOGS I LOVE TO VISIT

1. http://aliedwards.typepad.com
2. http://thisordinaryday.com
3. http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com
4. http://hellocupcake7.blogspot.com
5. http://gettinsketchy.blogspot.com
6. http://cathyzielske.typepad.com
7. http://robynwerlich.typepad.com
8. http://heroarts.com/blogs/club
9. http://donnadowney.typepad.com
10. http://cosmocricket.blogspot.com
11. http://abeautifulmess.typepad.com
12. http://stampingbella.com/blog
13. http://jennibowlin.blogspot.com

Most of them are stampin' or scrappin' blogs!!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


How

How can you work on trust when you can't depend on someone? If you know that they can just walk out and leave you and then not even come back when they say they wanna work on things? When they won't even act married if they are going to stay gone for a little bit but still wanna work things out? How can you fix a problem of trust when you still can't prove you should be trusted? I really believe that Chris changed a few months ago but I didn't notice. That's a big big step for me. I know I want my husband and I want to fix things. He says he does too. But he won't come home, he won't wear his ring, he won't answer half my texts, he won't go to counseling. He even has to make sure nothing better is coming up before he will agree to come see me. How is that fixing anything? How is that making it work? How is that building trust? I should be able to see him ACTING married even when he is not living with me if we are going to be together. I'm just confused. He acted so wonderful, so sweet, so loving the other night when he came to stay the night. Just like it used to be. It was awesome. I thought yES! this really WILL work! But then he leaves and it's the same. I hurt for my husband. I want him with me. I want to share all the great things going on in my life with HIM. Not just text him and tell him. But he won't give that to me. He won't do anything to build trust or fix things except the space thing. He's good at that. Taking a break from marriage must be nice. Never heard of a successful marriage having "breaks".

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Tuesday.....

Just another day.

Very frustrated.

Happy at work.

Learning alot.

More frustration.

Confusion.

Why like this?

A ring is way more than just a ring.

Patience is not a virtue I was bestowed upon birth.

I'm in a good place finally and wish I actually had the person I love to share it with.

FRUSTRATION.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Monday.

I have no other nice thoughtful name for this blog. I feel kinda.....down? I don't know how to explain it. You all know I wanna make this work with Chris. He brought it up in the first place and knowing how long and how much I love him you know I had to jump all over the chance. Well I'm kinda going two ways on this. I love him with all my heart and want to be with him. I believe in marriage vows. I believe that when you love someone it should be unconditionally. I think I've proven on my part that I do unconditionally love Chris. After all he has done I still love him. With my whole heart. Yes I realize that us 'jumping' back into things real fast is stupid. ON THE OTHER HAND, Thursday is 3 weeks since he moved out. That's already awhile. He drives an hour and a half to work and drives all day for work then an hour and a half to the farm each night. There is no internet at the farm. No email. No people. Just him and the TV, and now for some reason his phone works there when it never did before. So he has LOTS AND LOTS of time to think. To contemplate what he wants. If he loves me. How much he misses me. How to fix our problems. I have a little boy here and not so long a commute and LOTS of alone time. And I know I've gotten ALOT of thinking done. Maybe it's because I'm a woman?! But last night we were talking. It was actually a very nice talk. And he said 'maybe a couple months' on how long it would take to get back to living together. A COUPLE MONTHS?! Last I checked marriage is supposed to be thru thick and thin good times and bad and all that jazz. Doesn't that mean that just because things get tough doesn't mean you get to move out and act single for months at a time? He is not wearing his wedding ring. And when asked all he will say is "just cause". Well I think that if we are planning on working this out we should still be acting married. Especially when one of our issues is trust. Am i way off? Should this not bthter me? He just keeps saying be patient, go slow. I agree that we need to have alot of talks. We need to figure out what it is that bothers us about each other. We need to take the time to understand why we each feel the way we do. We need to remember what a marriage should be about. We need to put each other above all else. I told him we should make lists. We also need to pick our battles. I want our home to be a safe zone. A place where we can both go and our kids too, that we dont have to worry about being a certain way or walking on egg shells.

OK so I ask Chris last night what he thinks I need to change. All we got thru was that he thinks I need to be more confident. He says he knows I am at work, but in my personal life i let people walk all over me and I don't have any self-confidence. Very true, though I have NO idea what that has to do with our marriage working?! OR how the hell to fix it?! I've been like that my whole life and being as fat as I am now I don't see it changing anytime soon. Though it is in some ways BECAUSE of my new job. For once I feel SOOOO smart and appreciated somewhere. I feel very confident there and I love it. I finally found my place. A place where I can grow more and more. And I actually in over two weeks have made that come into my personal life in alot of ways. I kinda feel like if my new boss knows I'm worth what he's paying me then DAMN! everyone better just watch out! Cause I'm on fire!

He also said he thinks I've got repressed feelings deep down maybe from childhood or something. That that is why I am the way I am. Jealous and untrusting. I think he does actually realize that what he has done has in fact made that WORSE, but nonetheless, it's something I must change. This I am willing to change. I WANT to. The problem is that alot of our problems I do not think can be fixed if we are not together. How am I supposed to learn to trust and know that he is there for me above all else if he is actually NOT there for me above all else?? He thinks if he takes time away from all the temptations and 'civilization' as he said that he will be able to change it for good. Well that is all well and good except when we get back to reality, cell phones and internet and email......will he revert back? I need to know he can actually be here and get irritated with me and still NOT do those things. He used to say sometimes that he did them because he was mad at me that day or something. Well I want to fix our problems. More than anything in the world. I do agree a little time apart has helped us and a little more will do us good. BUT 'months' is not going to do anything in my opinion but show me that I can't depend on my husband to be here for me. I do want SOME time. A couple more weeks probably. We had gotten in such a routine of basically torturing each other that we couldn't get out of it. No matter how many times I wanted to it just kept going down hill everyday.

Now here I am, my heart is aching and excited all at the same time. I'm excited because I love him so much and the idea of working it out makes me so happy and relieved. Yet my heart is aching because he's still not home yet and the idea of months away from my husband makes me physically ill. I don't want to miss his birthday or ethans and I want them HERE. I also ache because he won't wear his ring. What does that mean? That he still doesn't know what he wants? Even though he tells me he does? I just want him to act married even if we aren't living together.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry. F A T mission sucked today. I took one diet pill last night and it made me throw up. I can't even take anything!! I ate ok breakfast - wheat english muffin with peanut butter and milk. BUT horrible lunch - patty melt and a couple fries with sweet tea. AND an even worse dinner - sweet tea, big ol' club sandwich and chicken tortilla soup. I just suck at this diet thing.

HOW do you figure out if you really have repressed memories? I need to dig them out so I can deal with them!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

F A T

It's no secret thatI got fat. LOL Since I gave birth to my son and lost all the weight two weeks later, I've gained it all back. I'm nearly as fat as I was when I GAVE BIRTH!! And since it's no secret I thought I'd just post it. For all to see. Maybe it will motivate me to lose the damn weight once and for all! I actually don't eat that bad, it's just that I don't exercise! AT ALL! And before I got prego I was never skinny but for the most part I didn't have to exercise to keep the weight off (unless I was on meds that put it on!). BUT now that I've been prego I guess my body is revolting against me in as many ways as possible. Sooooo when I got prego I was in the process of losing weight. I was at 160 and wanted to be 135. Well NOW I'm at 187. I weigh in weekly at my bff's house. She has a WII fit! Sooooo my goal is 160 by the end of the year and 135 by next summer! LMAO. High hopes I know....but if you shoot for the moon maybe I'll at least land on the moon?! :). I'm also gonna kinda post a food diary of sorts. Make myself more accountable. I ate cheerios with reduced fat milk for breakfast. Tea and some chinese for lunch (the one bad day of the week!!), and for dinner I just had tea and cottage cheese. Might snack on some apples with fat free caramel! Sooooo lets see how this goes. I'll post my BMI and weight when I weigh in with Michelle every week. My current BMI is like 33 I believe. So here's to getting hot and skinnier!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Deep in thought.....

Writing is the way I think......When I see it in writing I usually understand what I'm thinking better. Sometimes I type things I didn't even know I felt or thought. So please please don't judge anything I write. My head is a mess and I'm trying to clear it. It may seem that from day to day I flip flop on what I want and what I think, but isn't that how we make a decision? Tossing ideas around in our head? And for me that involves writing it out too. All versions.

I am not perfect. Duh. No one is. But I am a pretty messed up individual deep down. I don't want anyone that knows me to be offended when I point out the facts, because that's all they are is facts. Facts I have to voice. Facts I have to face to clear my head. The only way to get where I wanna be is right up over this giant mountain. SO that's what I'll do....climb it....one day (or blog) after another, till I see the sun shining on the other side.

From an early age I saw and heard things and witnessed things that kids just shouldn't have to witness. I don't want Gavin to ever ever ever go through the things I went through. I think these things caused me to be the way I am today. I think they have taken a physical and emotional toll on me. More than I ever really imagined. I've read books about how your emotions and experiences can manifest themselves as physical symptoms and diseases. Sucks, but I really think it's true. I have colitis and have since the exact year that my parents got divorced. No medications have worked for it and the doctors don't have a clue how to treat it. The book I read says that colitis can be a manifestation of repressed feelings, being overly concerned with order(or loss of freedom), worrying excessively, feelings of oppression, feelings of defeat, feeling a need for more affection, feelings of anxiety, bottled up hate, holding back, loss of enthusiasm and drive, not being open about what you really feel. And the "symptoms" of colitis, in case it's really not colitis and all the docs are wrong...manifestation of wanting to be done with someone or something, running away from a situation, fear of something in the present, obsessed with order. Also, since the exact year my parents got divorced I have had atopic dermatitis. Or so they "think". I basically have very dry itchy skin all over. My legs itched so bad when I was a teen that I'd scratch them open and bloody and just had to give up wearing shorts for the majority of my teen years and early twenties. I still will rarely if ever wear them. Though it's much better now. The book says "itching" is a manifestation of desires gone unfulfilled, having a difficult time accepting where you are in life, wanting more than you are getting out of life, feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. Alright....and more....the precancer cells on my cervix....the book says is a manifestation of repressed anger, unresolved resentments. Even weight gain is in here. It says "Fat", manifestated when you feel a need for protection, resistance to forgiving, hidden anger. Guess what?! I lost all my baby weight the two weeks after my son was born. Then I gained it all back and then some. I'm currently almost 40 lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant. Now most of you will probably think this is a bunch of mumbo jumbo. But Read what I wrote!! It's almost me to a T!!

I'm a jealous person. In many ways I hate it. I will never be completely not a jealous person. I will always feel a need to make sure my husband is 100% faithful to me. I want him to think I am the only person he needs. Woman wise that is. I don't how ever want it to ruin any more relationships in my life. No matter what happens with me and my husband. I have had relationships before Chris that didn't end well. Obviously or we'd still be together! :). One ended because A thought I'd done something that I hadn't done and A never even asked me till years later. Then A regretted it. His bad. His lose. That's the one thing about me that is for sure and everyone knows it. I'm completely loyal. I have never and will never be a cheating lying dishonest person. Another relationship ended because D was violent, had a horrible temper, verbally abused me, and I think (but am not sure) that D was cheating on me. Of course after the relationship was over and we had both moved on he apologized for all he had done and wanted me to know that. HA! The next relationship was a major one in my book. J was very important to me and we were together for nearly 2 years. That relationship, I will admit now, I ruined. It was completely my fault and I will forever hold that in my heart. J was a really great guy. Never would have cheated on me. But I was jealous. He was very handsome and he knew alot of girls through college. I pushed and pushed and pushed until he snapped and either I'd leave or he left 11 times in that 2 years. The one thing I still know he did that I would never have been ok with is that he was best friends with his ex FIANCE. Talked to her more than to me at times! Jeez! But after we broke up he said he knew it was wrong and he wouldn't ever ruin another relationship by being friends with her still. BUT when he wanted to get back together that time I had already met who would end up being my first husband. I told J that I needed to give S a shot because he wouldn't treat me like that. Well I was wrong and shouldn't have done that. Because J never really did anything to me. My fault. Completely. So I met S. That marriage ended because S decided he never wanted children and I just couldn't live with that. Then came a whirlwind of short relationships that ended for many reasons. Then I met Chris. I fell head over heels in love with him. We saw each other several times a week from July of 2006 till he moved in June of 2007. Slow progression of a relationship. Something I had never tried before. I just grew deeper and deeper in love with him. Ask anyone who knows me! I would have cut off my arm in that time to have Chris love me back! Then he moved in. I was ecstatic and sooooo in love. I felt like he was too. Though I knew he was holding back and scared. See he never wanted a serious relationship again anytime soon. But here we were. Together and living together. He did things that I will not repeat again. Lots of things. I found out. There are two sides to this. One side is that I looked in his phone. I invaded his privacy and looked at his text messages. I was wrong to have done that. BUT the other side is that, he did bad bad things. And because I invaded his privacy I found out. I think that I still, even if it was invading his privacy, have the right to be upset about the things I found. But it gets worse. We fought ALOT about these things. And each time I would say ok fine and we would try to stay together and he would say he would never do it again. And guess what? He kept doing it again. SO guess what? I kept looking. I looked at his emails at times, his myspace, his cell phone, the phone bill. Whatever I could to make sure he wasn't lying to me again and cheating on me. He would tell me how much he wanted to be with me and we would somewhat work past it. But I think it built up in me. Some things I know I"m still angry about from last summer and they are the worst ones. Like him telling his very own cousin that I was crazy and we weren't really together and he couldn't wait to get out, and best of all, that he was worried about when I had my son, that I'd be a horrible mother. The emails he sent to these people still flash through my head. I try with all I can to get them to go away. We got married in January. Halfway because we loved each other, and partly because his ex wife was being a B**** and it was either get married or he had to move out. That month I never felt more loved. Ever. When he said he'd marry me I thought all my dreams had come true. I decided to forgive and forget all the bad things. I was ecstatic. He was going to be my husband!! After all this time, I thought.....he really DOES love me! And I asked him and he said it was NOT just because of the court order crap, he REALLY wanted to marry me. :). So there we were happy. Married. And then BAM!! Two weeks after we got married, I had stopped even looking at his cell phone or the bill or the emails and everything. I had thought, hey he married me! There is no way he'd do anything. Well by some random chance I got this bee up my butt to check his phone one day. Not really expecting to find anything. Well there it was, the last female I had still thought was ok for him to talk to (because he said they were 'just friends') and there was a text to her. Telling her he wanted her and that he was FAKING our marriage and couldn't wait to get out of here. I was devastated. I had been wrong. He didn't really love me. He didn't really wanna be married to me. Being married to me didn't mean he had stopped those things. So all the things he had done before we got married came crashing back down into my thoughts. I was angry. We started fighting all the time. I started nagging more. I will admit, I was a bitch alot. But I was beyond hurt. Then it calmed down again a little bit. Things were ok. I had come to where I didn't check his phone or emails because I was afraid of what I'd find. So I played dumb. I decided what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Then by some random coincidence I had checked the browsing history on the computer. In May. And I found that he had gone to ALL of those girls he had promised to never talk to agains myspace pages. All in one day. So it basically pushed me over the edge. I was mad. All the time. THen he lost his job that month too. So he was home and I was paying all the bills. Except his mom was paying his child support and truck payment. But i fed us, watered us, tv'd us, phone'd us, electricitied us, everything else. We took little dude out of daycare and Chris stayed home with him. For the whole summer. I got more and more angry. I thought more and more about the things he had done. And got more and more angry. Then I was mad that he didn't defend me when people talked crap about me and my son. I had a disagreement with his mom that pushed me even further. I got mad at everything. I complained that he didn't do anything around the house. Which he did some and he did watch Gavin. He just didn't do as much as I would have liked. Even his mom agreed on that one! And he did great after she talked to him. For two weeks. Then stopped again. By the time he moved out a couple weeks ago I was complaining and bitching daily. Very angry and over 30 lbs fatter. Miserable about my weight. Miserable at the job I was at. And still angry with the things he had done. EVERYDAY I could see those emails in my head. Nearly everyday I would repeat them back to him. Throwing it in his face. At times I would realize that we wouldn't ever work through it if I didn't just forget and try to start fresh. But it is very hard to do that when anger has already become a part of your day to day life. In my heart I wanted to make it better. I wanted my husband. But I just couldn't get those things out of my head. SO i would try being better, being nice and the second he wasn't being nice or did something that bothered me I'd start back at square one. Angry. Then he moved out. My initial reaction was Good riddance! Thank goodness he left so I didn't have to! Thank goodness I don't have to worry about what he's doing anymore! Thank goodness my anger can be released. And alot of it actually HAS released. I realized that I CAN be alone. I can live here by myself. It IS my house of course. I bought it. No man. Just ME. I realized I can be a mother on my own. I can raise my son and play with him and laugh with him. I can keep a clean nice house and still work a full time job and being a good mom. And still have time to scrap!! LOL. I CAN be happy at my new job that I love and make great money. I CAN put my son above all else and stop being depressed and crying because it's better for my son. I CAN actually live without CHris, or any man for that reason. BUT........

I have also realized I don't really think I want to. I miss my husband. I truly do. The longer he is gone the more I realize this. No I'm still not crying and depressed, but yes I miss him. I love him with all my heart. I have for a long time. The reason I never left when he did those things is because I DO love him and it is unconditional. He made mistakes. But I WANT to get past them. I just don't know how. I WANT to be his wife. I want him to love me and my son. I want to keep our family together. I want his son in my life. I want his family in my life. I want us to be The Cooney's for many many years to come. I know I have things I need to think through from my past. THe reasons I have issues with trust and jealousy from before. Though I know it got worse because of the things Chris has done. I think knowing that you have a problem is the first step to fixing it. I know Chris wants to try in a way. He want solitude. Time to think about his life and where it is and where he wants it to be he said. He thinks if he can figure out why he does the things he does and if I can fix the things that I do that he doesn't like maybe we can meet in the middle and work things out. He wants to postpone the paternity test and the divorce till we have time to really think things through. He is living at the farm currently and driving an hour and a half to work and an hour and a half home everyday. I told him I'm not sure that being apart is a great way to fix our main problem. Trust. It was hard enough with him HERE every single day. When I saw him the other day he was even more handsome than ever. His hug was so warm and tight I thought I'd stop breathing. At this point I have no idea what is going to happen. I'm just going to take it day by day. Decide if I can move past the things I need to move past. And I need to get some kind of proof from Chris that he thinks we are worth it and that he is not going to do those things ever again. We shall see I guess......In the meantime, expect many blogs. Possibly making me look even more nuts. :) I'll use my blog kinda as a pro and con list. And I go back and read it and see what I really feel. I think that my mom actually supports my decision to try with Chris. She says she thinks he was changing back in June when he told his mother and me that he would. His mother said the same thing. And here I am feeling stupid, like I was the only one left out of this secret. And I pushed and pushed and pushed and then didn't notice when it actually happened. Alot of other people are NOT going to support this I know. In fact some may thing I'm so stupid and desparate that I'd be with him even though he did those things. I just hope that they can think of it more as ....I'm my love is deep enough to try to save my marriage. That I think no matter what he has done, he is worth it. That I think he is capable of being a great husband, and an even better dad. That I really will be careful, and my biggest priority is protecting little dude.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Thursday 13- 10th Edition

1. The key to change is to let go of fear. (Rosanne Cash)
2. If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain. (Maya Angelou)
3. If you don’t like something, change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. (Mary Engelbreit)
4. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. (Victor Frankl)
5. Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. (John Kenneth Galbraith)
6. All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. (Anatole France)
7. Every beginning is a consequence - every beginning ends some thing. (Paul Valery)
8. Change is the law of life and those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. (John F. Kennedy)
9. Everybody has accepted by now that change is unavoidable. But that still implies that change is like death and taxes — it should be postponed as long as possible and no change would be vastly preferable. But in a period of upheaval, such as the one we are living in, change is the norm. (Peter Drucker)
10. Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have—and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up. (James Belasco and Ralph Stayer)
11. Most of our assumptions have outlived their uselessness. (Marshall McLuhan)
12. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is to play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. (Charles Swindoll)
13. The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them. (George Bernard Shaw)
And one to grow on : If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies. (Unknown)

Monday, September 1, 2008

Deep breathing.....

I had a nice weekend. Full of things to keep busy. Lots of time with Gavin. It's been nice. I've come to a kinda calm point. Maybe it was my fortune cookie the other day saying "There will now be peace and harmony in your home." LOL. I kinda feel like me and Gavin have gotten into a nice new routine. We are very efficient and have lots of play time and yet the house is clean and the laundry is done. Got our groove on for sure! This week will be pretty busy. Until we get surveyed at work I'm the one and only nurse. That means I admit everyone, I do all the visits, I do all the chart auditing, and get everything ready for our survey. It hasn't been bad yet, but this week I've got at least 3 admissions, hopefully 4. It's hard work, but once we pass survey it will be so worth it! My boss says he is taking us on a trip when we pass survey. When he said think of somewhere to go, I was thinking where for dinner! LOL He said noooo I was thinking like....beach. OMG! Super cool. We shall see if it's for real though. It would be very easy to beg Chris to come back, and try again. Because I was comfortable in our relationship. We KNEW each other, every fault, every good thing, every dream. We just knew. But that is not enough to make a successful marriage. The things he did will never be erased. Knowing that he is capable of lying to me repeatedly and capable of doing the things he did behind my back, will never leave my mind. We can't go back to last summer when things were great. Before I found out that I was living in dream land and the person I was in love with wasn't the person that I thought he was. Can't go back. Can't erase pain and dishonesty. Yes I'm fine. I'm actually really fine. Yes I miss him, but I more miss who he was to me in the beginning. I miss what we could have had if none of the negative had happened. Hey, who knows, maybe this will trigger my writing again. LOL. Well, I'm off to make some cards.......till next time.....