Oooooh I sure can pick winners!!

Yes thats right. I should not be allowed to make decisions when it concerns my love life. I fell head over heels in love with a liar. Yes thats right. He has lied countless times. I've still got printed off emails that he has sent other girls that he still SWEARS up and down he didn't ever send. That his myspace, his email, his computer, my computer, the cell phone, the cingular bill, the computer browser history.....all lying about him, possessed! Can you say BULLSHIT?! And before you say it...yes i knew he was lying about those things. BUT I thought deep down he really loved me and he'd get over that and stop doing it. Yes, I'm a fixer. My friend said that I find these men and they are all fucked up and I think that loving them is ok because I can fix their problems. Well some people are too fucked up to fix. Once you lie to someone and they let you get away with it, you think it's ok to lie again and again because they don't care. Well lies build up and have a way of tearing your life apart and thats just what they did. It drove me to be mad all the time, because of the lies he told. And my fault in this is that I couldn't get over it. Sometimes a mountain of lies is just too big to climb over. It blocks out the sun and you see nothing but the dark shadows. It ruins every part of your relationship and the person you are with suffers deeply when they are lied to so much. And even now, when the facts don't matter, I'm still being lied to. I would just like to know some things before it's all said and done. I want the facts. It makes it easier. I sure made a wrong choice. I thought he would make a good father, and a good husband. I thought that in time the past would be the past and we could move forward. But no, he has failed on both accounts. And it turns out he has been planning this for months. That each of these times I've asked him to just tell me if he was really going to leave when he got a job and he swore up and down that he was planning on staying forever. Even the couple days before he left! WTF! And now I find out that months ago he went to a friend of my sisters to try to find out about getting his cell phone transferred to his own name and off my account. And now, even tonight, he is lying saying he didn't do it. Well this guy has no reason in the world to lie about this. He thought he should call and tell me back then but didn't feel it was his place to call and tell me my husband is an asshole. Well I guess I'm not really surprised. This is a small thing in comparison to the many other things he has done and said. I think this new job, this new life, and being a single mother is the best thing that coulda happened to me. Lots of things are going to be changing now. Some will be painful, but in the end it's what will make me happier!

Thursday Thirteen 9th Edition !!

Thirteen Pictures I Found Online That I Love 1. Totally adorable! Looks like my cat Julius when he was a baby! 2. OMG! Who doesn't love little posing dressed up babies! Love Anne Geddes! 3. Ahhhhh Clouds.....one of my favorite things! They always cheer me up! 4. Beautiful sunset over the water......ahhhh peace. 5. So sweet and symbolic....momma's hands with babies feet 6. Another classic! 7. The lone daisy.....braving the world all alone....yet standing tall! 8. heheheh adorable! Everyone who knows me knows I love pets! 9. Silly fat cat!!! Looks like me giggling LMAO! 10. oooooooh sooooo peaceful waterfall in the woods. Would love to see one like this in reality. 11. Tahiti--- I've always thought it was so beautiful and would love to go swing in a hammock over the blue ocean! 12. Raindrops make me smile! I loooooove the raiN! 13. Completely silly! Love love love this one!

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Bit by Bit

HE came over last night to get the rest of his stuff. I had been anxious about it all day. Would he act like this was hard? Would he show any care at all? Would he change his mind? Would I be able to tell him you CAN'T change your mind? Would I be able to control myself and not cry or yell? Well he called and said he was on the way last night. And me and Gavin busied ourselves waiting for HIM. When HE got there we were in the kitchen so he picked up little man for a minute and then put him down and started getting busy loading his stuff. HE barely said two words to me. Mostly just asking where this or that was. Nothing else. Then after he was done packing, with me and little man sitting right there in the living room he just stood by the door and said I think I got everything but I'll call if I think of anything else, talk to ya later. And shut the door. And walked out of our lives. No tears. No hug goodbye. No longing look towards me or little man. No one last kiss. No one last hug or kiss for little man either. He just left. I was so hurt when he shut that door that my heart just shattered into a million pieces and I cried so hard my chest hurt and my whole body was shaking. And then I straightened up and played with MY son. And I thought to myself....HIS loss. HE will realize one day that NO woman will put up with the things I did from him. NO woman could love him as much as I did despite his actions and being so undeserving of that unrequited love. We will be fine. We can do this without him. We will tie up all the loose ends and keep this in our past. We will forget in time the pain that we are now enduring. We will be happy and live our life. I will give Gavin all the love I have, because he is the only man who deserves it.

My heart aches

I know the actual posting of this won't help me, but writing it out takes the ache away just a tiny bit. I miss my husband. I hurt. I want him here. I want the fun times we used to have. I want goofiness. I want more pictures. I want more time. I want to watch him with the boys. I want to kiss his soft lips. I want to feel his strong warm hugs. I want to kiss him goodnight and see him get irritated with my reading light. I wanna here him snoring beside me. I want to see his pillow and squishy pillow right beside mine on the bed. I want my husband. I miss what we used to be.

I cry when I see his creamer in the refrigerator. I cry as I pack up his left over stuff. I cried when I went through all the pictures to send with him. Just in case he wanted to remember us at all. I've been worried sick about where he is, if he has food and a place to stay, if he is ok. I know he wanted to leave, but it doesn't make me hate him and doesn't make me wish he was in a bad place. I SHOULD not care one bit where he is or how he is doing since he chose to walk away from our family and everything we had together. I shouldn't care that he left me and Gavin alone. I shouldn't care that he didn't say goodbye to eithr of us. I shouldn't care that he hasn't called at all. Because he chose this.

I try to be strong. I try t think of all the bad things he has done to make it easier to know he's gone but thats hard. I love him so much and have for so long I just can't erase it. I really thought that all my determination, all the work I put into making it through our tough times would end up benefiting us in the end. But instead it didn't do anything. I started out as nothing but a booty-call for him and didn't even know it. I was just the girl he called on the nights no one else could come. And I fell head over heels in love with him. I thought he was such a wounded soul. His stupid ex wife had broken him and I was just the person to show him that all women weren't like that! I'd shower him with my love and he would fall head over heels in love with me too. That's not what happened. I just grew more and more in love with him and he continued doing what he had always done. Don't get me wrong, he didn't falsely lead me back then, he told me he didn't want a serious relationship. But still....I kept trying. Then one day he wanted to live with me. Just like that! And then it was sleeping together every night, a family suddenly. Filled with laughs and I love you's. Then the bad stuff happened. But still.....we kept going. He was there when I had my son, through my c section, through my post csection complications, through all my doctor visits, through my newest health problems, through raising my son for his first year, with me on most of my son's doctors visits and We got married even. And still bad stuff kept going on. But I persevered. And now, after pouring my love into him for over 2 years, he is gone. Just like that.

He left me with a broken heart, a pile of pictures and scrapbook pages, and his last name.

Thursday 13 - 8th Edition

Thirteen Things I Will Do to Make it Through

1. Play with my Son and read him books.

2. Scrapbook away the hours!

3. Read every book on my book shelf.

4. Sleep.

5. Exercise. I need to lose all this weight pronto!

6. Kick butt at my new job I start Monday.

7. Spend time with Michelle and her family.

8. Spend time with my family.

9. Fill my time with as many Stamp Shack events as possible.

10. Purge and reorganize my whole house. Including Cleaning out the attic and organizing the scrapbook room!

11. Learn to cook a few new things.

12. Deep clean the whole house.

13. Snuggle and love on my cats, dog, and son!

Broken Promises

Why is it that people can never keep their word? Is there a sign on my forehead that says HEY COME HERE AND USE ME!! I have been lied to so many times and yet I just kept forgiving. My only problem was the forgetting. After nearly a year of my husband going behind my back to talk to other girls, talking sexually with them, telling them he was dreaming of making love to them, telling them he wanted to meet them at a hotel, telling people he was faking our relationship and then faking our marriage, and even 2 weeks after we got married he was still doing it!!!! And then again a few months later he was going to check out their myspace pages still!! BEHIND MY BACK. So yes after all this time and all this stuff, I'm ANGRY. I've been so hurt and he lost all my trust. And now he has been jobless this summer (he was also jobless last year from June 27th till right before thanksgiving!) and now this time from May till just this week he started working again. For this whole time he has probably done less than a dozen individual chores around the house. Here and there. Until his mom told him he should and he did great for a week or two, and then bam! back down to not doing anything. You know, I'm not a major cleaner, but i'm also not completely disgusting. You know I don't HAVE to do dishes everyday if I dont want to, especially when he was home ALL DAY LONG! Ok so now we are at the point where we argue alot. I say things about him calling girls behind my back, and things about him not doing enough around the house, and not being loving to me. He argues back about how I said 'clean slate' and bitch at him all the time about not doing stuff. He cannot get it through his thick skull that me working the majority of our relationship while he sits here at the house and does nearly nothing is very WRONG. I will admit that fighting about it all time is NOT good. I hate it. I hate that Gavin sees it. I hate that I trusted someone who didn't deserve to be trusted. I'm sorry that I let it get as far as it did. I'm sorry that I got angry with him not doing things around the house. I'm sorry I didn't just clean it all myself. I'm sorry I didn't see that he didn't really love me when it was so clear he didn't when he told everyone he didn't and told everyone he was faking everything. He even told new employers and potentials that he was NOT EVEN MARRIED!! And that is just a couple weeks ago!! He told everyone he was going to leave the second he got a job and guess what?! HE DID! Between last night and this morning, it was just one fight too many for both of us. He said last night that counseling would help us and he unpacked his stuff, but then this morning after he went to his interview he came back and started packing. He wants to completely walk away from me and Gavin and never see us again. Some things I did say out of anger, but some I meant. I started getting very ill at the thought of him leaving and my chest hurt and my head was pounding and I screamed at him to leave NOW. I told him to get his stuff later. And he kept refusing. Walking around all smug and uncaring. Snickering and rubbing it in my face. I kept screaming for him to leave. I just needed time to breath and make the chest pain go away and calm down before I could face my husband walking out on me and my son. But NOOOOO, instead he calls the freakin' police! TO MY OWN HOUSE! He told them I wouldn't let him get his stuff and leave. More proof he couldn't care less about me or my son, which by the way WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME! I was in the bathroom blow drying my hair and he left, without even saying goodbye to me OR Gavin. Just walked out of our lives like he was never there. His phone is no longer on so I can't even text him which is good and bad. I'd probably have texted him a hundred times by now and it's a bad thing because he left a bunch of stuff here so I can't even find out when he will come get the rest of it. I have NO idea how to afford an attorney and it's going to be a rather complicated ordeal now. Well I'm trying to deep breath and relax. I've rearranged all the furniture, cleaned up a storm, and played with Gavin. He can make me smile even when my heart is broken.

Sorry It's been a few days!

I've been super duper busy!! First I did get that job in Henderson!! My first day is next monday! I'm very excited about the opportunities that I'll get there and the what the future may hold for me if I stick around there! I admitted my first patient for them on Friday night! I have alot of work to do on fixing up their paperwork to make it shine and sparkle though. I'm getting more and more excited, getting all my stuff ready to take there. I even dug out all the old home health forms I had designed! My current boss is very sad to see me go. In fact she offered to match the salary that I was offered!! Thats tremendous for this company to offer. BUT it still wouldn't make up for the paid for insurance for me and my husband and the opportunities that are there. Not to mention getting away from some of the things I don't like here!

I got a couple new pairs of scrubs and some nice new sneakers! Tax free weekend sales ROCK! I don't care about the minute tax that you don't get to pay, but the SALES rock! I shopped like ALL day Saturday with Michelle! And we had lunch at applebees and took Gavin to get his hair cut! I'll have to post pics, it's adorable! Short spikey hair now! THat night me and Gavin went to hang out at Michelle's house and played some Wii. It was kinda hard with Gav wanting to go everywhere and getting into stuff and he wouldn't eat without his high chair, so we had to leave pretty early :(. I didn't do any scrapping this weekend which sucks since I usually do when Chris is outta town. But with getting home late friday night after admitting that patient, and shopping all day saturday and going to Michelle's and then went to lunch and shopping again Sunday with my Dad, I was lucky to even get some laundry done!!

Bad thing - my cat that is 4 years old, Julius, ran away sunday night! We looked everywhere and on Monday night we finally found him but he got scared and ran under a house!! I cried! But we had to go home. I knew for sure we had lost him for real then. It was like 5 blocks away, twisting and turning down roads and it was POURING down rain half the night. BUT good news, this morning when we woke up he was sitting on the back porch!!! He is so super smart!! I'm putting shock collars on all the pets now!!! This will never happen again!!

It is hard at work this week to be motivated to do ANYTHING. I've got all my normal work done and I'm just sitting around, playing on the internet and wishing I was at my new job already. I'm bored out of my mind. Normally these slow times are when I make up new plans and go through charts, etc. But just don't have the motivation now! Oh well, the count down has begun!

I was bad and drove thru Andy's yesterday afternoon for a heath and hot fudge custard concrete! YUM YUM! Bad for the arse though!

This is the last week of Summer of Scraplovin' Challenge. :( WAAAAAAA! I'm sure going to miss these challenges. They make me think out of my box! And make me do at least that one project a week. This last week is to do an altered project that is about ME! Yikes!! Two hard challenges in one really! I started something last night and we will see where it goes. If not I'll have to haul ass workin' on another one by Saturday!

Speakin' of Saturday, I'm going to a Stampin' Up Saturday Morning Club. It's the one that MIchelle is hosting at the Stamp Shack, so at least the spendings will go to a good place!! lol. I think i know what I want, but then again i always change my mind! hehehehe.

Well off to do some more boring work......

Thursday 13 - 7th Edition !

Thirteen Unhealthy Things I Love 1. Boneless Buffalo wings - yum yum yum!! 2. Andys Custard - I always get the concrete (which is like a blizzard) with hot fudge and heath chips! Probably a whole weeks calories in one! 3. Brownies - especially fresh out of the oven with ice cream on top! 4. My homeade from scratch chocolate chip heath cookies ! I eat half the dough and then love the cookies! 5. Cookie dough - good ol' raw cookie dough, tubs at a time! Especially while I was prego! I had to carry around a baggy full! LOL 6. Big Ol' pretzels dipped in nacho cheese! Lots of salt! 7. Ice Cream - alllll ice cream - my top favorite dessert of all time. My faves are cookies n cream, mint chocolate chip, and turtles n cream! 8. Chocolate Xtreme Blizzards from Dairy Queen! They finally got it right! 9. Peanut M&M's ! Love taking a big ol' bag to the movie theater (yes I sneak them in my purse!!!!) or a bowl full while I'm scrapping! 10. Chips and Queso - not as bad as some things on here, but I could eat buckets and buckets of the stuff! 11. Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo - allllll the creamy noodle-y goodness ! 12. Bread!! ALL BREAD ALL THE TIME!!! 13. Cream Soda - oooooh yes I love the old schoolness of it!

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Starting another week.......

Sometimes it feels like....what's the point? I feel so miserable at times and mostly for good cause, but still....whats the point....Why do I deal with the things I deal with in the name of love? I don't think I deserve it, maybe I'm wrong and I suck and I deserve it all, but I don't think so. I will no longer tolerate the disrespect, the purposeful humiliation, the uncaring attitude, the so-what-if-it-works actions. I'm tired of fighting for something that apparently I'm the only one who wants. I should be able to depend on this ONE person to have my back and be on my side all the time. I shouldn't have to try to MAKE him love me and support me, it should just be there!

I worked on my SOSL Week 5 layout and finished last night! Here are some pics of it!

Tonights Work.....

Playing with my new Stampin' Up papers I love! :-) I did a silly layout of my son with Stampin Up Jersey Shore Patterned Papers, Target $1 Spot Foam Letters!, Scenic Route Paper (the journaling is on), Spare Parts Pewter brads, Chalk Inked the edges of the papers!

I also made a card. Using more of the Stampin' Up papers, and the cake is a stampin' up stamp, colored with Stampin' Up Writers and Stickled the icing, with a doodlebug brad in the center of the flower! The Happy Birthday is Making Memories alphas. The flowers are Fresh Paint paper flowers and a smidgen of scenic route paper. Stickles take forever to dry!!!

LONG WEEKEND AHEAD OF ME......

Well the guy from that company called me and told me that him and the owner both really loved me and think I'll be a perfect fit in their company! :) He said before I even left the owner was texting him telling him how much he liked me!! They also agreed to the salary I asked for!! OMG!! BUTTTTTTT he said last time they jumped the gun and hired the first person who came in so they want to still think about it over the weekend and talk to the bigger owner before they call me back for sure on monday or tuesday. BUT he said not to worry because they really loved me. hmmmmm, this is going to be a long long long long long weekend!!

Change

I was not even looking for a new job and some how a job fell into my lap. Someone actually went to a friend of mine and talked about a job, and because they like their job, they barely even listened to the offer. BUT she referred them to me!! Told them all about me, so I called them. Not that I was looking, but thought what could it hurt to at least listen to what he has to say? So anyway, I did, and today I talked to him. It seems like a very great place to work. It's a little further drive, but won't really take any longer than it already takes me due to traffic in the morning. I currently go 10 miles to and from work, and it takes like 25 minutes, but it takes longer when school is in session. The new job is 33 miles away but it only takes 35 minutes to get there because I go the back roads, and the complete opposite of most people lol. I currently work 9 to 5 and don't get home till like 5:30. The new job is 8 to 4:30. So I'll be home a tiny bit earlier but I'll have to leave earlier. The current job I get to have lunch with michelle several times a week, but at the new job I wont get to at all. :(. But the job is pretty flexible. Like I asked them about what happens when my son gets sick and they said as long as my job is done it's no big deal if I have to take off when he's sick, or work half day, or even bring him into the office. I've got alot of control at the new place, I get to pick all our forms, OASIS, salaries, hire people, basically set everything up the way I would like it to be run. He said he won't step on my toes because he is not a nurse, I'll be in charge of that, but he will be there to back me up. The place I'm currently a SAYS I can do all of this, but undermines me left and right and I basically have NO power. I really like what I'm learning about this new place. I'm waiting on him to give me a salary offer and I'll see if it's worth the move. But they have already said money is not an issue because they have some major backers. :). I'm super excited! I'll keep ya informed!

Thursday 13 - 6th Edition

Thirteen Quotes I Love 1. "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." — Abraham Lincoln 2. "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." — Mark Twain 3. "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." -Les Brown 4. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." — Dr. Seuss 5. "If you can imagine it,You can achieve it.If you can dream it,You can become it." -William Arthur Ward 6. "Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." -Scott Adams 7. "Music is what feelings sound like." — Author unknown 8. "Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere." — Albert Einstein 9. "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." — Oscar Wilde 10. "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.' " — C.S. Lewis 11. "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." — Ralph Waldo Emerson 12. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." — Friedrich Nietzsche 13. "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. " — Mahatma Gandhi

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Climbing and Art

Yesterday Gavin learned to climb the stairs! He went from the morning going up 3 steps, to by bed time he got to the top of the stairs!! Full of sick gasping feelings for Mommy for sure!! Gotta put the gate up now so he can't go up there! Feels like we gate everything off, we have two gates blocking entrances to kitchen and close the scrappy room and bathroom doors, but now we gotta gate off the stairs lol. It's a pain!

I also did my SOSL week #4 challenge which was very different for me! It was to alter something that would be out on display, like the back of a picture frame, cardboard, a canvas or something. I chose a canvas and went to work! I really love how it turned out and can't wait to hang it up! I love the challenges over at Scraplove!!

Tonight I went to a Stampin' Up Tile Class at The Stamp Shack with Christie and had so much fun! She is super cool and it's so laid back over there! I made two tiles that I'll post here too! Andme and Michelle joined the Tile Club so there will be many more tiles to come! One for my desk at work, and one for home this time!

Lazy Weekend....

This week Ethan went home. :(. We were super sad to see him go, it will be so different without him here everyday. Maggie will be lonely for sure! And who will have crafttime with me? Waaaa! Thursday night I used some money my Dad gave me last weekend to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with Chris, Gavin, Michelle, Kris, and Garrett. :) It was nice to do something with them and nice to go out, even if it was on a week night!! Plus I knew Chris was kinda down cause that was the day he took Ethan home. Anywho....after work friday we hit wal-mart for our every other week grocery shoppin' to get it over with and rented a movie. Meet the Spartans - funny for sure! Kinda over the top, but funny nonetheless! Saturday we let my mom and Gordon babysit so we could go to the theater to see The Dark Knight. It was pretty good, but LONG! Good thing we snuck in those m&m's and skittles. heheheheh. And we got some cute photo booth pics for me to scrapbook soon! The rest of the day was spent chillin' out, got a nap in too. Gavin's 3rd and 4th tooth are still only half out! lol, they are slow! This morning when we woke up Gavin was BUTT NAKED! His diaper was on the floor outside of the crib and there was pooooooop everywhere! LOL. Fun times! I scrapped one page last night and I'll post it here. Now we are getting ready to go have lunch with my Dad at Applebee's. Then home, maybe another nap, AND scrapping!! I can't wait to do week 4 challenge on Summer of Scraplove Challenge. :) The earlier they post the challenge, I might actually get to spend alot of time working on it today! Talk to ya soon!

Friend or Not?

Starting new friendships has never been my forte. Don't get me wrong, once I have a friend, I'm a great friend! I will do absolutely anything for my friends, especially my best friend in the whole world Michelle. Because I don't make friends easily, because I think most women are just venegeful people users, I hold tight to the ones I find worth having a friendship with. I had 2 best friends in nursing school, one just got busy in her own life and we stopped talking. The other one calls every once in awhile but it gets farther and farther in between. It's just when I fit into her life that she calls, even though I've gone above and beyond with her to ensure I got to see her. But thats history, water under the bridge, now. TRUE best friends can't go that long without talking! I have had lots of 'friends' that were just there in that one part of my life and then when I moved on or they did we just stopped being friends. So not real friendship in my opinion. Then I worked at a place for a long time and met lots of great people there (or so I thought). But slowly, as they all left that job, and I stayed, our friendships became not so important to them. I still thought some of them were my friends but when I gave them a chance, they just abused our friendship and then proved we were never really friends in the first place. My husband said he knew they weren't my real friends, or they would have been around more and cared more. I guess he was right. I just hate being sooooo wrong about people. I guess in some areas I trust too much. So here I am, once again a victim of misplaced friendship. Oh well, I just had to write about it, to get it off my chest because it really bothers me. I guess I will stick with the one person in the world I trust will always be my best friend, will never use me, and will always be there when I need her, MICHELLE! She is the definition of a true best friend. And funny/great thing about it is we are SOOOO alike and she agrees with me on this because she has been in the same boat, and she knows our friendship is one in a million! Love ya girl!!