I'll say whatever I want

Guess what? This is MY blog. My tiny little morsel of cyber space. Where I can say and post whatever I feel like! If you don't like it, don't read it. Apparently I didn't make myself CLEAR enough in some of my previous blogs. Or detailed enough. I'm not going to list out what bills I have and who is helping with what while Chris is unemployed. His mother, my mom, and my dad are helping of course. BUT even with their help we are short. But don't worry, I didn't specify that while me and my parents are paying OUR bills, other people are paying Chris'. All I do to support him is feed him, house him, give him gas money, supply him with a phone, air conditioning, hot water. But that's all. Oh and don't forget my wifely duties. Which I have no problem doing any of this. Or even FULLY supporting him. It's when he goes behind my back like today and goes to several of the girls he used to fuck around with's myspace pages. And then lie to me about it when I asked. Yes I know I should have learned way back last summer before I even had Gavin, or before we were even married that he would always talk behind my back to all these girls. Yes I should have ended it when he was sleeping with me every night, I was supporting us, he was saying I love you to me, and I saw him writing messages to other girls about meeting at hotels, licking parts of them, wanting them, and dreaming of making love to them every night. WHILE HE IS WITH ME. WHILE HE IS TELLING ME HE LOVES ME. Then each time he would lie until finally he just couldn't lie about that incident anymore and he would beg for forgiveness and say he would never do it again. Yet he always DID do it again. Even 2 weeks after we got married he was telling one of these girls he wanted her and that he was PRETENDING to be married to me and couldn't wait to get out. Now YOU tell me how I should feel? And that I have NO right to be upset? And that I am the one who is wrong?! If you don't know the whole situation but you want to ASK ME! I'd much rather have it out in the open than have someone say I'm a bitch or anything else when you don't know what has happened or is happening now. I obviously love CHRIS WITH MY WHOLE HEART OR I WOULD NOT HAVE PUT UP WITH LIE AFTER LIE AFTER LIE AND HURT AFTER HURT AFTER HURT. I keep praying that he will change. That he will stop lying and stop using me. That he will take my feelings into consideration just once before he does something like this. That for once he will respect me the way he SAYS he does. Not one person can tell me that it is right to do the things he has done. I don't want any one to feel sorry for me, it is my own fault I'm in the situation I'm in and Ill deal with it on my own. But in the meantime Do NOT judge me. Right now my heart is so full of hurt it is up in my throat. My pulse is pounding in my head and I have no idea what to do. All I know is this lie and actions today have pushed me too far. I can't and shouldn't have to deal with lies and deception. I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else, so why from the person who says they want to love me forever and above all else? I'm sick because I love someone so much and yet this happens. Over and over and over again. I'm sick because my son loves him also and thats not fair to him. That is NO role model. I don't want my son learning how to be that way to women. Why can't he just act the way he promises to act? Why hurt me and my son anymore than he already has?!