Broken Promises

Why is it that people can never keep their word? Is there a sign on my forehead that says HEY COME HERE AND USE ME!! I have been lied to so many times and yet I just kept forgiving. My only problem was the forgetting. After nearly a year of my husband going behind my back to talk to other girls, talking sexually with them, telling them he was dreaming of making love to them, telling them he wanted to meet them at a hotel, telling people he was faking our relationship and then faking our marriage, and even 2 weeks after we got married he was still doing it!!!! And then again a few months later he was going to check out their myspace pages still!! BEHIND MY BACK. So yes after all this time and all this stuff, I'm ANGRY. I've been so hurt and he lost all my trust. And now he has been jobless this summer (he was also jobless last year from June 27th till right before thanksgiving!) and now this time from May till just this week he started working again. For this whole time he has probably done less than a dozen individual chores around the house. Here and there. Until his mom told him he should and he did great for a week or two, and then bam! back down to not doing anything. You know, I'm not a major cleaner, but i'm also not completely disgusting. You know I don't HAVE to do dishes everyday if I dont want to, especially when he was home ALL DAY LONG! Ok so now we are at the point where we argue alot. I say things about him calling girls behind my back, and things about him not doing enough around the house, and not being loving to me. He argues back about how I said 'clean slate' and bitch at him all the time about not doing stuff. He cannot get it through his thick skull that me working the majority of our relationship while he sits here at the house and does nearly nothing is very WRONG. I will admit that fighting about it all time is NOT good. I hate it. I hate that Gavin sees it. I hate that I trusted someone who didn't deserve to be trusted. I'm sorry that I let it get as far as it did. I'm sorry that I got angry with him not doing things around the house. I'm sorry I didn't just clean it all myself. I'm sorry I didn't see that he didn't really love me when it was so clear he didn't when he told everyone he didn't and told everyone he was faking everything. He even told new employers and potentials that he was NOT EVEN MARRIED!! And that is just a couple weeks ago!! He told everyone he was going to leave the second he got a job and guess what?! HE DID! Between last night and this morning, it was just one fight too many for both of us. He said last night that counseling would help us and he unpacked his stuff, but then this morning after he went to his interview he came back and started packing. He wants to completely walk away from me and Gavin and never see us again. Some things I did say out of anger, but some I meant. I started getting very ill at the thought of him leaving and my chest hurt and my head was pounding and I screamed at him to leave NOW. I told him to get his stuff later. And he kept refusing. Walking around all smug and uncaring. Snickering and rubbing it in my face. I kept screaming for him to leave. I just needed time to breath and make the chest pain go away and calm down before I could face my husband walking out on me and my son. But NOOOOO, instead he calls the freakin' police! TO MY OWN HOUSE! He told them I wouldn't let him get his stuff and leave. More proof he couldn't care less about me or my son, which by the way WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME! I was in the bathroom blow drying my hair and he left, without even saying goodbye to me OR Gavin. Just walked out of our lives like he was never there. His phone is no longer on so I can't even text him which is good and bad. I'd probably have texted him a hundred times by now and it's a bad thing because he left a bunch of stuff here so I can't even find out when he will come get the rest of it. I have NO idea how to afford an attorney and it's going to be a rather complicated ordeal now. Well I'm trying to deep breath and relax. I've rearranged all the furniture, cleaned up a storm, and played with Gavin. He can make me smile even when my heart is broken.