Deep in thought.....

Writing is the way I think......When I see it in writing I usually understand what I'm thinking better. Sometimes I type things I didn't even know I felt or thought. So please please don't judge anything I write. My head is a mess and I'm trying to clear it. It may seem that from day to day I flip flop on what I want and what I think, but isn't that how we make a decision? Tossing ideas around in our head? And for me that involves writing it out too. All versions.

I am not perfect. Duh. No one is. But I am a pretty messed up individual deep down. I don't want anyone that knows me to be offended when I point out the facts, because that's all they are is facts. Facts I have to voice. Facts I have to face to clear my head. The only way to get where I wanna be is right up over this giant mountain. SO that's what I'll do....climb it....one day (or blog) after another, till I see the sun shining on the other side.

From an early age I saw and heard things and witnessed things that kids just shouldn't have to witness. I don't want Gavin to ever ever ever go through the things I went through. I think these things caused me to be the way I am today. I think they have taken a physical and emotional toll on me. More than I ever really imagined. I've read books about how your emotions and experiences can manifest themselves as physical symptoms and diseases. Sucks, but I really think it's true. I have colitis and have since the exact year that my parents got divorced. No medications have worked for it and the doctors don't have a clue how to treat it. The book I read says that colitis can be a manifestation of repressed feelings, being overly concerned with order(or loss of freedom), worrying excessively, feelings of oppression, feelings of defeat, feeling a need for more affection, feelings of anxiety, bottled up hate, holding back, loss of enthusiasm and drive, not being open about what you really feel. And the "symptoms" of colitis, in case it's really not colitis and all the docs are wrong...manifestation of wanting to be done with someone or something, running away from a situation, fear of something in the present, obsessed with order. Also, since the exact year my parents got divorced I have had atopic dermatitis. Or so they "think". I basically have very dry itchy skin all over. My legs itched so bad when I was a teen that I'd scratch them open and bloody and just had to give up wearing shorts for the majority of my teen years and early twenties. I still will rarely if ever wear them. Though it's much better now. The book says "itching" is a manifestation of desires gone unfulfilled, having a difficult time accepting where you are in life, wanting more than you are getting out of life, feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. Alright....and more....the precancer cells on my cervix....the book says is a manifestation of repressed anger, unresolved resentments. Even weight gain is in here. It says "Fat", manifestated when you feel a need for protection, resistance to forgiving, hidden anger. Guess what?! I lost all my baby weight the two weeks after my son was born. Then I gained it all back and then some. I'm currently almost 40 lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant. Now most of you will probably think this is a bunch of mumbo jumbo. But Read what I wrote!! It's almost me to a T!!

I'm a jealous person. In many ways I hate it. I will never be completely not a jealous person. I will always feel a need to make sure my husband is 100% faithful to me. I want him to think I am the only person he needs. Woman wise that is. I don't how ever want it to ruin any more relationships in my life. No matter what happens with me and my husband. I have had relationships before Chris that didn't end well. Obviously or we'd still be together! :). One ended because A thought I'd done something that I hadn't done and A never even asked me till years later. Then A regretted it. His bad. His lose. That's the one thing about me that is for sure and everyone knows it. I'm completely loyal. I have never and will never be a cheating lying dishonest person. Another relationship ended because D was violent, had a horrible temper, verbally abused me, and I think (but am not sure) that D was cheating on me. Of course after the relationship was over and we had both moved on he apologized for all he had done and wanted me to know that. HA! The next relationship was a major one in my book. J was very important to me and we were together for nearly 2 years. That relationship, I will admit now, I ruined. It was completely my fault and I will forever hold that in my heart. J was a really great guy. Never would have cheated on me. But I was jealous. He was very handsome and he knew alot of girls through college. I pushed and pushed and pushed until he snapped and either I'd leave or he left 11 times in that 2 years. The one thing I still know he did that I would never have been ok with is that he was best friends with his ex FIANCE. Talked to her more than to me at times! Jeez! But after we broke up he said he knew it was wrong and he wouldn't ever ruin another relationship by being friends with her still. BUT when he wanted to get back together that time I had already met who would end up being my first husband. I told J that I needed to give S a shot because he wouldn't treat me like that. Well I was wrong and shouldn't have done that. Because J never really did anything to me. My fault. Completely. So I met S. That marriage ended because S decided he never wanted children and I just couldn't live with that. Then came a whirlwind of short relationships that ended for many reasons. Then I met Chris. I fell head over heels in love with him. We saw each other several times a week from July of 2006 till he moved in June of 2007. Slow progression of a relationship. Something I had never tried before. I just grew deeper and deeper in love with him. Ask anyone who knows me! I would have cut off my arm in that time to have Chris love me back! Then he moved in. I was ecstatic and sooooo in love. I felt like he was too. Though I knew he was holding back and scared. See he never wanted a serious relationship again anytime soon. But here we were. Together and living together. He did things that I will not repeat again. Lots of things. I found out. There are two sides to this. One side is that I looked in his phone. I invaded his privacy and looked at his text messages. I was wrong to have done that. BUT the other side is that, he did bad bad things. And because I invaded his privacy I found out. I think that I still, even if it was invading his privacy, have the right to be upset about the things I found. But it gets worse. We fought ALOT about these things. And each time I would say ok fine and we would try to stay together and he would say he would never do it again. And guess what? He kept doing it again. SO guess what? I kept looking. I looked at his emails at times, his myspace, his cell phone, the phone bill. Whatever I could to make sure he wasn't lying to me again and cheating on me. He would tell me how much he wanted to be with me and we would somewhat work past it. But I think it built up in me. Some things I know I"m still angry about from last summer and they are the worst ones. Like him telling his very own cousin that I was crazy and we weren't really together and he couldn't wait to get out, and best of all, that he was worried about when I had my son, that I'd be a horrible mother. The emails he sent to these people still flash through my head. I try with all I can to get them to go away. We got married in January. Halfway because we loved each other, and partly because his ex wife was being a B**** and it was either get married or he had to move out. That month I never felt more loved. Ever. When he said he'd marry me I thought all my dreams had come true. I decided to forgive and forget all the bad things. I was ecstatic. He was going to be my husband!! After all this time, I thought.....he really DOES love me! And I asked him and he said it was NOT just because of the court order crap, he REALLY wanted to marry me. :). So there we were happy. Married. And then BAM!! Two weeks after we got married, I had stopped even looking at his cell phone or the bill or the emails and everything. I had thought, hey he married me! There is no way he'd do anything. Well by some random chance I got this bee up my butt to check his phone one day. Not really expecting to find anything. Well there it was, the last female I had still thought was ok for him to talk to (because he said they were 'just friends') and there was a text to her. Telling her he wanted her and that he was FAKING our marriage and couldn't wait to get out of here. I was devastated. I had been wrong. He didn't really love me. He didn't really wanna be married to me. Being married to me didn't mean he had stopped those things. So all the things he had done before we got married came crashing back down into my thoughts. I was angry. We started fighting all the time. I started nagging more. I will admit, I was a bitch alot. But I was beyond hurt. Then it calmed down again a little bit. Things were ok. I had come to where I didn't check his phone or emails because I was afraid of what I'd find. So I played dumb. I decided what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. Then by some random coincidence I had checked the browsing history on the computer. In May. And I found that he had gone to ALL of those girls he had promised to never talk to agains myspace pages. All in one day. So it basically pushed me over the edge. I was mad. All the time. THen he lost his job that month too. So he was home and I was paying all the bills. Except his mom was paying his child support and truck payment. But i fed us, watered us, tv'd us, phone'd us, electricitied us, everything else. We took little dude out of daycare and Chris stayed home with him. For the whole summer. I got more and more angry. I thought more and more about the things he had done. And got more and more angry. Then I was mad that he didn't defend me when people talked crap about me and my son. I had a disagreement with his mom that pushed me even further. I got mad at everything. I complained that he didn't do anything around the house. Which he did some and he did watch Gavin. He just didn't do as much as I would have liked. Even his mom agreed on that one! And he did great after she talked to him. For two weeks. Then stopped again. By the time he moved out a couple weeks ago I was complaining and bitching daily. Very angry and over 30 lbs fatter. Miserable about my weight. Miserable at the job I was at. And still angry with the things he had done. EVERYDAY I could see those emails in my head. Nearly everyday I would repeat them back to him. Throwing it in his face. At times I would realize that we wouldn't ever work through it if I didn't just forget and try to start fresh. But it is very hard to do that when anger has already become a part of your day to day life. In my heart I wanted to make it better. I wanted my husband. But I just couldn't get those things out of my head. SO i would try being better, being nice and the second he wasn't being nice or did something that bothered me I'd start back at square one. Angry. Then he moved out. My initial reaction was Good riddance! Thank goodness he left so I didn't have to! Thank goodness I don't have to worry about what he's doing anymore! Thank goodness my anger can be released. And alot of it actually HAS released. I realized that I CAN be alone. I can live here by myself. It IS my house of course. I bought it. No man. Just ME. I realized I can be a mother on my own. I can raise my son and play with him and laugh with him. I can keep a clean nice house and still work a full time job and being a good mom. And still have time to scrap!! LOL. I CAN be happy at my new job that I love and make great money. I CAN put my son above all else and stop being depressed and crying because it's better for my son. I CAN actually live without CHris, or any man for that reason. BUT........

I have also realized I don't really think I want to. I miss my husband. I truly do. The longer he is gone the more I realize this. No I'm still not crying and depressed, but yes I miss him. I love him with all my heart. I have for a long time. The reason I never left when he did those things is because I DO love him and it is unconditional. He made mistakes. But I WANT to get past them. I just don't know how. I WANT to be his wife. I want him to love me and my son. I want to keep our family together. I want his son in my life. I want his family in my life. I want us to be The Cooney's for many many years to come. I know I have things I need to think through from my past. THe reasons I have issues with trust and jealousy from before. Though I know it got worse because of the things Chris has done. I think knowing that you have a problem is the first step to fixing it. I know Chris wants to try in a way. He want solitude. Time to think about his life and where it is and where he wants it to be he said. He thinks if he can figure out why he does the things he does and if I can fix the things that I do that he doesn't like maybe we can meet in the middle and work things out. He wants to postpone the paternity test and the divorce till we have time to really think things through. He is living at the farm currently and driving an hour and a half to work and an hour and a half home everyday. I told him I'm not sure that being apart is a great way to fix our main problem. Trust. It was hard enough with him HERE every single day. When I saw him the other day he was even more handsome than ever. His hug was so warm and tight I thought I'd stop breathing. At this point I have no idea what is going to happen. I'm just going to take it day by day. Decide if I can move past the things I need to move past. And I need to get some kind of proof from Chris that he thinks we are worth it and that he is not going to do those things ever again. We shall see I guess......In the meantime, expect many blogs. Possibly making me look even more nuts. :) I'll use my blog kinda as a pro and con list. And I go back and read it and see what I really feel. I think that my mom actually supports my decision to try with Chris. She says she thinks he was changing back in June when he told his mother and me that he would. His mother said the same thing. And here I am feeling stupid, like I was the only one left out of this secret. And I pushed and pushed and pushed and then didn't notice when it actually happened. Alot of other people are NOT going to support this I know. In fact some may thing I'm so stupid and desparate that I'd be with him even though he did those things. I just hope that they can think of it more as ....I'm my love is deep enough to try to save my marriage. That I think no matter what he has done, he is worth it. That I think he is capable of being a great husband, and an even better dad. That I really will be careful, and my biggest priority is protecting little dude.