Monday.

I have no other nice thoughtful name for this blog. I feel kinda.....down? I don't know how to explain it. You all know I wanna make this work with Chris. He brought it up in the first place and knowing how long and how much I love him you know I had to jump all over the chance. Well I'm kinda going two ways on this. I love him with all my heart and want to be with him. I believe in marriage vows. I believe that when you love someone it should be unconditionally. I think I've proven on my part that I do unconditionally love Chris. After all he has done I still love him. With my whole heart. Yes I realize that us 'jumping' back into things real fast is stupid. ON THE OTHER HAND, Thursday is 3 weeks since he moved out. That's already awhile. He drives an hour and a half to work and drives all day for work then an hour and a half to the farm each night. There is no internet at the farm. No email. No people. Just him and the TV, and now for some reason his phone works there when it never did before. So he has LOTS AND LOTS of time to think. To contemplate what he wants. If he loves me. How much he misses me. How to fix our problems. I have a little boy here and not so long a commute and LOTS of alone time. And I know I've gotten ALOT of thinking done. Maybe it's because I'm a woman?! But last night we were talking. It was actually a very nice talk. And he said 'maybe a couple months' on how long it would take to get back to living together. A COUPLE MONTHS?! Last I checked marriage is supposed to be thru thick and thin good times and bad and all that jazz. Doesn't that mean that just because things get tough doesn't mean you get to move out and act single for months at a time? He is not wearing his wedding ring. And when asked all he will say is "just cause". Well I think that if we are planning on working this out we should still be acting married. Especially when one of our issues is trust. Am i way off? Should this not bthter me? He just keeps saying be patient, go slow. I agree that we need to have alot of talks. We need to figure out what it is that bothers us about each other. We need to take the time to understand why we each feel the way we do. We need to remember what a marriage should be about. We need to put each other above all else. I told him we should make lists. We also need to pick our battles. I want our home to be a safe zone. A place where we can both go and our kids too, that we dont have to worry about being a certain way or walking on egg shells.

OK so I ask Chris last night what he thinks I need to change. All we got thru was that he thinks I need to be more confident. He says he knows I am at work, but in my personal life i let people walk all over me and I don't have any self-confidence. Very true, though I have NO idea what that has to do with our marriage working?! OR how the hell to fix it?! I've been like that my whole life and being as fat as I am now I don't see it changing anytime soon. Though it is in some ways BECAUSE of my new job. For once I feel SOOOO smart and appreciated somewhere. I feel very confident there and I love it. I finally found my place. A place where I can grow more and more. And I actually in over two weeks have made that come into my personal life in alot of ways. I kinda feel like if my new boss knows I'm worth what he's paying me then DAMN! everyone better just watch out! Cause I'm on fire!

He also said he thinks I've got repressed feelings deep down maybe from childhood or something. That that is why I am the way I am. Jealous and untrusting. I think he does actually realize that what he has done has in fact made that WORSE, but nonetheless, it's something I must change. This I am willing to change. I WANT to. The problem is that alot of our problems I do not think can be fixed if we are not together. How am I supposed to learn to trust and know that he is there for me above all else if he is actually NOT there for me above all else?? He thinks if he takes time away from all the temptations and 'civilization' as he said that he will be able to change it for good. Well that is all well and good except when we get back to reality, cell phones and internet and email......will he revert back? I need to know he can actually be here and get irritated with me and still NOT do those things. He used to say sometimes that he did them because he was mad at me that day or something. Well I want to fix our problems. More than anything in the world. I do agree a little time apart has helped us and a little more will do us good. BUT 'months' is not going to do anything in my opinion but show me that I can't depend on my husband to be here for me. I do want SOME time. A couple more weeks probably. We had gotten in such a routine of basically torturing each other that we couldn't get out of it. No matter how many times I wanted to it just kept going down hill everyday.

Now here I am, my heart is aching and excited all at the same time. I'm excited because I love him so much and the idea of working it out makes me so happy and relieved. Yet my heart is aching because he's still not home yet and the idea of months away from my husband makes me physically ill. I don't want to miss his birthday or ethans and I want them HERE. I also ache because he won't wear his ring. What does that mean? That he still doesn't know what he wants? Even though he tells me he does? I just want him to act married even if we aren't living together.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry. F A T mission sucked today. I took one diet pill last night and it made me throw up. I can't even take anything!! I ate ok breakfast - wheat english muffin with peanut butter and milk. BUT horrible lunch - patty melt and a couple fries with sweet tea. AND an even worse dinner - sweet tea, big ol' club sandwich and chicken tortilla soup. I just suck at this diet thing.

HOW do you figure out if you really have repressed memories? I need to dig them out so I can deal with them!