My heart aches

I know the actual posting of this won't help me, but writing it out takes the ache away just a tiny bit. I miss my husband. I hurt. I want him here. I want the fun times we used to have. I want goofiness. I want more pictures. I want more time. I want to watch him with the boys. I want to kiss his soft lips. I want to feel his strong warm hugs. I want to kiss him goodnight and see him get irritated with my reading light. I wanna here him snoring beside me. I want to see his pillow and squishy pillow right beside mine on the bed. I want my husband. I miss what we used to be.

I cry when I see his creamer in the refrigerator. I cry as I pack up his left over stuff. I cried when I went through all the pictures to send with him. Just in case he wanted to remember us at all. I've been worried sick about where he is, if he has food and a place to stay, if he is ok. I know he wanted to leave, but it doesn't make me hate him and doesn't make me wish he was in a bad place. I SHOULD not care one bit where he is or how he is doing since he chose to walk away from our family and everything we had together. I shouldn't care that he left me and Gavin alone. I shouldn't care that he didn't say goodbye to eithr of us. I shouldn't care that he hasn't called at all. Because he chose this.

I try to be strong. I try t think of all the bad things he has done to make it easier to know he's gone but thats hard. I love him so much and have for so long I just can't erase it. I really thought that all my determination, all the work I put into making it through our tough times would end up benefiting us in the end. But instead it didn't do anything. I started out as nothing but a booty-call for him and didn't even know it. I was just the girl he called on the nights no one else could come. And I fell head over heels in love with him. I thought he was such a wounded soul. His stupid ex wife had broken him and I was just the person to show him that all women weren't like that! I'd shower him with my love and he would fall head over heels in love with me too. That's not what happened. I just grew more and more in love with him and he continued doing what he had always done. Don't get me wrong, he didn't falsely lead me back then, he told me he didn't want a serious relationship. But still....I kept trying. Then one day he wanted to live with me. Just like that! And then it was sleeping together every night, a family suddenly. Filled with laughs and I love you's. Then the bad stuff happened. But still.....we kept going. He was there when I had my son, through my c section, through my post csection complications, through all my doctor visits, through my newest health problems, through raising my son for his first year, with me on most of my son's doctors visits and We got married even. And still bad stuff kept going on. But I persevered. And now, after pouring my love into him for over 2 years, he is gone. Just like that.

He left me with a broken heart, a pile of pictures and scrapbook pages, and his last name.