Give me back my scrappin' MoJo!

I've been slackin' the scrappn'! :( Just been busy and tired and had NO scrappy mojo! I think it might be coming back...... This "Enjoy" layout I did last night. I completed finished the layout and then when I was about to take a picture of it I HATED IT! So I tore everything off of it except the title and left the background paper and changed EVERYTHING else. lol. I liked it mUcH better the second time around.

Michelle and I went to a Stampin' Up Scrapbook Class today. It was nice to have some girl time, and since it was scrappy time it was even grander! We did 3 two page layouts that we just have to add pictures too. I'm going to try to start going to more classes during the week with Michelle. There are some cool one's we have heard about. Before we came home we were really bad and got Andy's!! Shhhhhhh, don't tell! I'm lucky I even got to go to this class, but since I had paid for it back in May I didn't have to worry about it!

When I got home me and Gavin goofed around and I reviewed some notes for work. But after he went to bed it was into the scrappy room I went! Here is the layout I did tonight. I kinda like it! The stitching was challenging and new for me, but I like how it turned out ultimately. The little card that says "Wishes" pulls out and has a list of my wishes for Gavin. :)

And this layout is from the other day, but when I took a picture of it, it sucked! So here is another shot at it. Because it's much more detailed than it looks in the pic from before! "Simple Moment"

And a blog would not be complete without a few pictures of Gavin :).....from this week...........

I said screw it.....

Why is it that some people lack the ability to change? They live their same boring life day in and day out and don’t seem to mind it one bit. They react the same way to things, they eat the same things, they do the same things, go to the same places, say the same things, talk to the same people. I have somewhat become a victim of this. I go to the same stores at about the same days/times, I talk to the same people, I text the same people, I stay home and watch the same shows, I have the same hair nights each week, on long weekends we always go to the farm. I never go out on week nights and rarely on the weekend do I go out, and hardly never without my son. I do like my life, but sometimes I remember dreams I used to have. I always wanted to live in Colorado or in Boston area. I wanted to be cool and go to museums and eat at little bistros on the street. I wanted to walk the streets of new york instead of driving everywhere I need to go. I wanted to be a nurse practitioner and have a pediatric clinic. I’ve wanted to be in nursing research. I’ve wanted to own my own home health agency. Yet here I am still in Tyler area, working for someone else (not that I don’t love my job, but that’s not the point!), and haven’t taken any more classes towards higher degrees since like 2003 or 2004! Now I’m on my second marriage and first baby. I own a house, which is good. But I want vacations and nice outfits. I don’t wanna wear scrubs everyday! I want to get my masters degree. I wanna eventually make a lot more money than I do now! I’d love to live in Colorado even now, but have to wait till I win the lottery and when Ethan turns 18 ! lol. I guess I’m just full of dreams at times. That’s the way us humans are though, at least the one’s with brains, always striving for bigger and better things. I love my son, husband, job, and house though! I’m probably going to register to start taking classes at home to get my bachelors degree and then Masters. I found the program and you just do it at your own pace, one module at a time and take as long as you need to do it. You pay monthly. If I can swing it, I really really wanna do this to further my education, job opportunities, salary range, etc. And plus I’ll just feel better about my self !! I need to start working out too. I’ve gotta be the fun cool mom so all Gavin’s friends will wanna come to OUR house so I’ll have to worry less about what kinda trouble he is getting into! Heheheh. Yes, I’m already worried about my son as a teenager. I hope I teach him enough about good and bad that he will know the difference and be a great kid! I hope I can be his friend, yet teach him discipline and respect. Well I better get off here and work some more !!!

Our Weekend at the Farm

Gavin loves eating real green beans and carrots! :) He looks and picks the perfect piece and then eats it ! It's a HUGE mess, thus the reason he has no shirt on! Eating apparently makes him happy! Or else mommy's funny faces do! heheheheHe also learned this weekend how to pull himself up!! He still falls over but he can get up to standing. He LOVES standing and walking around holding my hands. Much more than he likes crawling.

This is his attitude picture! hehhehe. He also absolutely LOVES riding on the four wheeler. Me and him go out on it and the faster I go the more he giggles and puts his hands up in the air! It's great!

Long Week.....

I've been working so hard this week. Lots of headaches too! One night I even went to bed at 9:45! I can't wait to relax at the farm this weekend!! And right the 4 wheeler all over hell and back! This is the only scrapbook layout I got done this week. :(. And here are some other pics from the last week!

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Do you Know how Loved You Are?

All the Pretty Little Horses

Well this is such a busy week at work! My boss is out of the country for the month and that leaves me in charge of everything! Wouldn't be a big deal except we were short staffed! Well I hired a friend of mine thats an RN today full time and another one part time. SO now all I need is an LVN !

Gavin learned how to crawl this weekend! It's great. He absolutely HATES it though! If he is crawling, the whole time he is crying and grumbling.....seems like he wants to say "damn you! I don't wanna crawl, just come get me!" I hope he starts liking it, but I need to baby proof everything still ! Well I walked at 10 months, so Gavin is 9 months this week so maybe he will just start walking! :) He says ma'ma but not on purpose! :(. He says Da Da Da Da MUCH more often!

Well It's getting closer and closer to Gavin's first birthday! My best friend made sure to remind me today that I should start planning! :) I just don't know what to do when he's too young to care! Maybe the zoo, because I love it! We shall see.

I have absolutely NO scrappy MoJo this week. :-( Not in the mood to do much of anything.

I did get my hair done this past friday and I love it! It's way different!

I'll say whatever I want

Guess what? This is MY blog. My tiny little morsel of cyber space. Where I can say and post whatever I feel like! If you don't like it, don't read it. Apparently I didn't make myself CLEAR enough in some of my previous blogs. Or detailed enough. I'm not going to list out what bills I have and who is helping with what while Chris is unemployed. His mother, my mom, and my dad are helping of course. BUT even with their help we are short. But don't worry, I didn't specify that while me and my parents are paying OUR bills, other people are paying Chris'. All I do to support him is feed him, house him, give him gas money, supply him with a phone, air conditioning, hot water. But that's all. Oh and don't forget my wifely duties. Which I have no problem doing any of this. Or even FULLY supporting him. It's when he goes behind my back like today and goes to several of the girls he used to fuck around with's myspace pages. And then lie to me about it when I asked. Yes I know I should have learned way back last summer before I even had Gavin, or before we were even married that he would always talk behind my back to all these girls. Yes I should have ended it when he was sleeping with me every night, I was supporting us, he was saying I love you to me, and I saw him writing messages to other girls about meeting at hotels, licking parts of them, wanting them, and dreaming of making love to them every night. WHILE HE IS WITH ME. WHILE HE IS TELLING ME HE LOVES ME. Then each time he would lie until finally he just couldn't lie about that incident anymore and he would beg for forgiveness and say he would never do it again. Yet he always DID do it again. Even 2 weeks after we got married he was telling one of these girls he wanted her and that he was PRETENDING to be married to me and couldn't wait to get out. Now YOU tell me how I should feel? And that I have NO right to be upset? And that I am the one who is wrong?! If you don't know the whole situation but you want to ASK ME! I'd much rather have it out in the open than have someone say I'm a bitch or anything else when you don't know what has happened or is happening now. I obviously love CHRIS WITH MY WHOLE HEART OR I WOULD NOT HAVE PUT UP WITH LIE AFTER LIE AFTER LIE AND HURT AFTER HURT AFTER HURT. I keep praying that he will change. That he will stop lying and stop using me. That he will take my feelings into consideration just once before he does something like this. That for once he will respect me the way he SAYS he does. Not one person can tell me that it is right to do the things he has done. I don't want any one to feel sorry for me, it is my own fault I'm in the situation I'm in and Ill deal with it on my own. But in the meantime Do NOT judge me. Right now my heart is so full of hurt it is up in my throat. My pulse is pounding in my head and I have no idea what to do. All I know is this lie and actions today have pushed me too far. I can't and shouldn't have to deal with lies and deception. I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else, so why from the person who says they want to love me forever and above all else? I'm sick because I love someone so much and yet this happens. Over and over and over again. I'm sick because my son loves him also and thats not fair to him. That is NO role model. I don't want my son learning how to be that way to women. Why can't he just act the way he promises to act? Why hurt me and my son anymore than he already has?!

My weekend in pictures......

GASC Convention 2008. Me and Michelle hit Dallas.

Slow Week.....

I have not done much scrapping this week. My creativity seems to be shut down currently. I sit there and stare at the supplies and nothing seems to do what I want and nothing goes with anything. So I've got two layouts from the last week. I feel like there are a hundred things I day I want and need to do and don't have time for it all.

Just Rip it Out and Stomp on It.

Ok I use this blog to vent. To Share my feelings so my heart and head don’t explode. Writing afterall, is a very strong way to think through things and release them. If you are one of those people who has everything perfect in their life you shouldn’t read my blog today. If you are one of those people that has had a perfect life and naively trust every single person no matter what they do to you, don’t read this blog today. If you are one of those people that thinks my husband is innocent and perfect and I’m a jealous bitch, then don’t read this blog. Because I put it all out there. Not many people read this blog. So I post my real harsh honest feelings on it and hope no one has the nerve to judge me because I have feelings. Some people know that me and Chris had a really rough time last summer and things got really bad there for a bit. Things were done and no one could believe that I would stick around, but I did. No matter how hard I try the images and things I read seem to be imbedded in my brain forever. The last thing that I know for sure happened just 2 weeks after we got married. Now it has been months, and something happened again last week. And I guess if you didn’t know what happened with us in the past you probably wouldn’t think it is as detrimental as it is to ME. But nonetheless, it’s stabbing me right in the heart. Like there was anywhere left in my heart left unhurt. Well right now my husband is not working. Which is not good, but it’s fine. I don’t judge him or get mad at him for that. Yes we are broke, but it is not his fault he lost this job, so I am not mad at HIM. Just sad because of our current money situation. So here I am supporting us both, of course with a little help from family, but still. I’m working everyday, and he is home. But it is ok. But then I find on the cell phone bill MULTIPLE calls RECENTLY to some local cell phone number. There are recent calls to this number 20 minutes long, and even one that is 67 FREAKIN’ minutes long. So I come to find out, or at least this is what I’m told, that it is some girl that is a massage therapist. He talked to her for over an hour that time and 20 minutes one time and several other times and says it was all about the massage biz. That she wanted to ask him (who has been out of the biz for a long while now) questions about the biz. He says that he knew it was not ok, so I don’t have to worry cause he’s not going to talk to her again. HA! The fact is that you did it in the first place. Knowing that it was NOT ok. Knowing I’m sitting here stressed out and supporting us so he doesn’t go to jail for missing child support and he has the NERVE to use the cell phone I pay for to have LONG ass phone calls with some other chick. Behind my back! Cause when I am home, he kept getting missed calls from the number, cause his phone was on SILENT so I wouldn’t hear her calling him. And when I asked him about the calls he said it was when he was looking for a job. And so I said, I wouldn’t have brought it up if I didn’t know what it was, so I’m gonna give you one chance to tell the truth. And that’s when he gave me his STORY. So he didn’t even tell me about it till I busted him. Again. But I’m supposed to just say OK, well since you knew it was wrong, oh well. It’s ok. HA! Whether or not he had a job or not, I would still be very angry about this. Because yet again, he is acting like he can do whatever he wants, continue to act single, and yet I'll just say OK. I'll have to write more another day. I'm too mad to continute right now.